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For instance, ordering a martini says you appreciate the finer things in life, ordering a gin and tonic says you appreciate the simple things in life, and ordering a boilermaker says you appreciate knowing where your pants are. But mixed drinks go deeper than that, much deeper. When you sidle up to the bar and place your order, you open a window onto your very soul, revealing not only who you are, but also who you long to be. So know your cocktails and order with care, or you might send the wrong message.

• Bellini: You have a tab at Olive Garden

• Bloody Mary: You enjoy music, long walks on the beach, and the occasional stabbing spree.

• Cosmopolitan: You didn’t start drinking until after your first divorce, and didn’t start really enjoying it until after your second.

• Fuzzy Navel: You’re comfortable with who you are, but you’re the only one.

• Harvey Wallbanger: You, or someone a lot like you, will inspire Alcoholics Anonymous to abandon the twelve-step program in favor of indiscriminate Tasing.

• Jägerbomb: High school was the best six years of your life.

• Kentucky Colonel: Your music collection includes a CD of jug band favorites

• Long Island Iced Tea: No matter how old you are, at some level, you’re still afraid your parents are going to catch you drinking.

• Mai Tai: You’re attracted to exotic people and places, but not enough to get a passport.

• Manhattan: You’re witty, sophisticated, and not at all jealous that the oafs pounding down Jell-O shots at the other end of the bar are getting all the best trim.

• Margarita: All of your relationships have either begun or ended at a wet t-shirt contest.

• Mimosa: There’s a song in your heart and diet pills in your purse

• Old Fashioned: Every significant event in your life has taken place on either a porch or a patio.

• Orgasm: You consider yourself too classy to order a Blow Job, but not classy enough to order a Sex on the Beach.

• Piña Colada: You’re 50% lady, 50% tramp, and 50% wig.

  

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• Raging Bull: You’re indestructible, and you’re going to prove it as soon as this kick-ass song is over, just wait

• Tequila Slammer: You’re down-to-earth. Usually face-down

• Zombie: No matter what people say, you’re getting along just fine without long-term memory.¸

—Mike Richardson-Bryan

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